Death and Grief: The Two Ugliest Words

“And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come back and take you to be with me that you also may be where I am.”

John 14:3

Death is unavoidable…sometimes you can prepare for it, other times you cannot. All in all it will still shake you to your core when it happens. I needed to get real with myself and talk about how I am feeling instead of masking with working, sleeping, or simply avoiding. I always think to myself, “Maybe there is a reader out there going through the same thing.” With that being said, let’s try to release it all.

Grandma Carol: The IT Girl

My grandma Carol was my girl, I have so many memories from my eleven years with her. Grandma was everything from fashionable, intelligent, quick-witted, and certainly did not take anyone’s crap. My grandma taught me how to read, which I am forever thankful for because, if you know me you know I love a good book. My grandma was also very open with her health issues I will never forget her sitting at her kitchen table, telling my brother and I to watch her take her insulin while saying “take care of your body or you will end up like me.” As I reflect sometimes on her last year on earth, I feel like she knew her time was coming. My family and I went to amusement parks and she was right there with us; she even got on a few rides which was unlike her. She came and stayed with us for a few months too…the best time of my life.

On October 31st, 2009 she left us. I was at a volleyball tournament and when my stepmom left to answer the phone I knew. I cried, I mourn and I still do. When she passed, I feel like I was okay because she was so open about her health issues. I cherished all of our time together and I remember the last time I saw her. Running into her room, getting in her bed, and saying “I love you, Grandma! See you at Christmas.” Although I did not see her after that day, I was still okay because in a way I said goodbye.

When it comes to the death of my grandpa…I am shattered.

Paw Paw Bear: The Gentle Giant

My paw paw was a man of few words but when he talked you listened. He commanded any room he entered, meant business, but loved to laugh and tell stories. By far he was one of the strongest men I have ever known. I always knew how proud of me he was especially when I graduated from college. Whenever I needed anything he was always a phone call, text, or FaceTime away. He always took care of himself, had a routine that consisted of working out, taking vitamins, mowing the lawn etc. I just knew he would live forever.

On November 30th, 2022 he left us. The grief behind losing him hurts in a way that is so foreign to me. I am so hurt because I did not get to even hug him goodbye. The last time I saw him in person was over the summer. I was preparing to go on a trip and he was at my families house mowing the lawn. We had a conversation before it was time for me to go on my trip, and I wanted to give him a hug goodbye. He said “I love you, but I am sweaty so I will hug you next time. Enjoy your trip!” There was no next time. We talked on the phone, texted, and FaceTimed before he passed but I never got that hug.

Losing him felt so sudden because I just knew he was immortal. I knew I would see him at Christmas, he would shuffle around the house in his slippers, laugh with the biggest smile, and tell the best stories. My emotions have been so up and down. One day I am fine. Other days, it feels like my body is just floating, my brain isn’t attached to my body, and days just merge.
I know he would want me to keep going and living my life but it is so hard right now. I have been trying to keep my routine, go for walks, “take care of myself” as he would always say.